‘We just can’t go back’: How one mom dramatically cut her family’s technology use

By Kara Alaimo, CNN

(CNN) — Ever wonder why your kid goes ballistic when you try to take their screen away? It’s mostly not their fault.

That outsize reaction occurs because devices are designed to make us all desire them so badly that we don’t log off, writes Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff in her new book, “Dopamine Kids: A Science-Based Plan to Rewire Your Child’s Brain and Take Back Your Family in the Age of Screens and Ultraprocessed Foods.”

So many parents tell me it’s impossible to meaningfully limit their kids’ technology use, but despite tech’s addictive qualities, it turns out that’s just not true.

Doucleff, an Alpine, Texas-based science journalist, decided to eliminate a lot of technology from her family’s life. She can help you do it, too, and you’ll see how your whole family will be much happier if you do.

This conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: Many people think using social media releases dopamine, which brings us pleasure. You say that’s not true, and it leaves us feeling bad. How so?

Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff: That idea is based on science from the 1950s, which in the past 30 years has been completely overturned. Dopamine is not the pleasure molecule. It does not give us the feeling of happiness. Neuroscience tells us that it actually gives us the feeling of wanting, of desire. The dopamine system is there to make us go get what we need to survive, and not just do it once, but do it again. It’s the feeling of needing water on a hot, hot day after you’ve been running for 45 minutes. We’ll place high value on anything that releases dopamine in our motivation circuitry, and we’ll want to do it again.

Typically, as we evolved as humans, we wanted to keep doing the things that gave us pleasure. But in our modern world, we have activities that pull us to things and make us want things that can, over time, actually make us feel bad and hurt us. The data are very clear that that’s true of some ultraprocessed foods, video games and social media.

I am pulled to social media, even though in five minutes it makes me feel horrible, but I still want it. Teenagers tell researchers that, too. They want to get off it. They block their accounts, they delete their accounts, but they can’t stop. Those are signs of wanting something that no longer makes you feel good.

CNN: Why do our bodies react that way to social media?

Doucleff: The trick is that social media is making kids think it’s fulfilling their need for social support and belonging. This is a fundamental need of humans. We would die without it. Social media promises that, but it doesn’t actually fulfill the need. The data show that, over the long run, it can leave kids feeling lonelier. It actually takes away what kids are trying to find.

CNN: You say we should redirect our kids away from social media. How can we do that without big battles?

Doucleff: A lot of parenting advice is very behind. It’s based on psychology from 25, 30, even 40 years ago.

One of the ways it’s behind is on how you set limits with these products. Parenting advice tells us to take it away. That is never going to work. The kid is going to get mad; you’re going to have an argument; they’re going to crave screens more and eventually you cave.

Behavioral psychology from the past 20 years tells us what does work is if we don’t just take something away — but replace it with something that’s just as fun and entertaining to the child.

An example is we decided no more Netflix or YouTube after dinner. I was so tired of the battle every night. Instead of saying to my daughter, “no more Netflix,” I said, “I’m going to take you outside and teach you something you’ve been dying to do. I’m going to teach you to ride your bike to the market by yourself.”

I’m not telling her to go into her room and be bored. I’m helping her discover something better in her life and actually fulfill her need for adventure and exploration, which she’s seeking through YouTube. I’m giving her a skill that makes her feel good, fulfills her and gives her joy. Instead of sitting and watching other kids have adventures, she gets to have adventures.

CNN: You set up different areas in your home for your daughter to do art, homework and use technology. Why?

Doucleff: What behavioral psychologists and neuroscientists have learned over the past 20 years is that habits work in context. As parents, we need to get kids to reach for and naturally desire the things that make them feel good. To do that, we have to create times and places in their lives where the healthy option is the only choice.

If you create contexts in which the options are reading, coloring, creating art, riding your bike or going over to your friend’s house, then, very quickly, their brain will create cues that trigger dopamine and desire for these offline activities.

I create these places in my home and in our lives where my daughter’s brain knows exactly what the options are, and most of the time a device is not one of them. I’m using the dopamine to work in my favor instead of against me.

CNN: What about when kids need screens to do their homework?

Doucleff: I put on a blocker when I write in the mornings, and it blocks all distracting websites for me. I’m 50, with a PhD, and I have to use a blocker. There’s no way that a 15-year-old kid can get their homework done without a blocker. I think it’s our job as parents to say, “These things are intentionally designed to pull you off your homework. Let’s build your environment so you can focus while you’re working.”

CNN: You say not to make too many changes at once. Why?

Doucleff: What modern behavioral psychology tells you is that you want to make small changes that are permanent.

Let’s say you start with no screens after dinner on Friday. You could make it game night, if that is exciting to your kids. Your kid will learn and stop asking for the screen on Friday. Then you can slowly expand it out. Next it might be Friday and Saturday.

CNN: You remind us that parents have a lot of influence over what our kids do and how they think. What’s the best way to shape their views of things such as social media?

Doucleff: I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is how we talk about it. Our language is really powerful for kids. We treat social media, screen time, video games, sweets and potato chips as the rewards in life, the things you work hard for. And all we’re doing is cranking up kids’ motivations for the things we’re trying to limit.

I think we should flip it around. If we celebrate and lift up the things we want our kids to value, such as being with their friends, then they want to do them more. It says to them, “My parents value this, but also, this is fun!” This is what fills our life with pleasure and joy and satisfaction.

CNN: You cut out a lot of your own technology use. How did your life change?

Doucleff: I cannot tell you how good it is. Reducing screen time transformed our homelife in such a powerful way. Nights become so much calmer and more peaceful and, surprisingly, so much more joyful. We weren’t arguing over screen time each evening, but my daughter, Rosy, was also engaging in activities — baking, sewing and crocheting, listening to audiobooks, and riding her bike around the neighborhood with friends — that left her feeling better afterward instead of worse.

Plus, bedtime became so much easier. She went to bed more easily. We all began to sleep better and longer, and this change greatly improved our moods and ability to cope with the stresses of life.

After reducing screens, we all started to laugh more and more often — at meals, in the evenings and in the car. There was just more fun in our lives. For instance, on a road trip last summer, my husband and I were singing along to “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi when he started to belt out the silliest but extremely wrong lyrics. It tickled me so much that I was laughing so hard that I cried. I hadn’t done that in at least a decade. I know it wouldn’t have happened if we were all on screens.

We just can’t go back. I think everybody who tries this is going to feel the same way.

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